That helpless feeling

This should be the happiest time of my life right now (I got engaged and I have an awesome fiance), yet this week I've just felt helpless. Maybe, I shouldn't take things to heart so much, but when I can't be that girlfriend (fiance) I want to be then I feel like crap. I want to be able to be able to cook for him, and just be a good person and take care of him. I think my problem is though I was always use to living on my own and taking care of me. I knew the kind of things I liked. I knew what food I could buy and enjoy, and if it turned out like crap I was fine with it because I was the only one who had to worry about it. Now living with Ryan, I also think about what he likes when I go buy groceries (and let me tell you hes a bit picky. I still love him though and I've learned some stuff that he likes) so the things I like aren't necessarily what he likes. If I mess up cooking something then what? I feel like a complete failure...that's what.

I think what has me feeling like this is seeing posts that he makes on FB and then seeing how his friends respond "I feel so bad for you. lol. Ill help you cook. smh...i already taught you how to do laundry, I may as well do the whole wife/mother shebang" This just made me feel like I can't do anything right by him. I understand that his friends care about him and want to help. Maybe, I'm letting things get to me that I shouldn't, but to know me is to understand I take what people say personally.


This is probably just all my crazy emotion and hormones acting up right now because of the time of month it is, but still it's not fun to feel this way.

Trying is so overrated

Ever had one of those days where you just feel like everything you do is just not good enough for anyone?

When I moved over to my current store it was so that I could help them out, and be their lead tech. Now I know I'm not the loudest, do-what-I-say-or-you're-written-up-type but I'd like to think that I had some kind of impact (apparently I was mistaken to think that). What exactly do you do when you ask people do things, and they say that's not my job? I'm sorry but no write up would have done any good. I still try my hardest (or I did. Now I don't really care since they decided to replace me) to get people to do what they are suppose to, but I'm on the losing side of that battle. So here's the deal on why I've pretty much just given up. Why try when everything you do is criticized and you're not thanked for what you do accomplish.

So back in November our pharmacist in charge left and went to another pharmacy and they brought in one who only worked a few days a week.I'm talking less then 30 hours. (First stupid mistake on their part) A pharmacist in charge should care about their store and want it to look good. Things really did start to go down hill when our old PIC left. Stuff got stacked high, things didn't get done. Stuff that I was suppose to do I couldn't do because we didn't have the help we needed. Did our supervisors ever once send people over to help? NO! We had to suffer through 5 months of pure hell. Now she came back the beginning of April and guess what started to happen? They finally decided that yeah maybe we do need the extra help to get things in order. So why the fuck did it take them this long to realize that? Anyways, some more of why I'm a little pissed off and to the point where I'm not trying to help and over do my self. I'll go to work do what I can, but no more putting for that extra effort. So now they're bringing in a new chick to take my spot, and see if she can't turn things around. She's doing things that had I had the help that we now have (and they just gave us) I could have done. I'm not some stupid tech who doesn't know. I've been doing these things for 5 years. What gets me is that since our pharmacist came back she's over here saying it only took me a month to get things back in order or close to it. Yeah it did because we now have help. Oh, and you technically didn't do things right. Bunching up all the scripts in the same month and filing them isn't really gonna work when we need to find a script but can't because you didn't take the time to file right. Also what about that extra 8 hours I came in on MY SATURDAY OFF and helped with stuff (off the clock...no pay) was I just a ghost or something?

I don't know maybe I'm being to sensitive about it, or what not. I'm just freakin irritated about this whole mess. I thought I could just shrug it off, and not worry about it because it's someone elses problem now. I was at work today and I think it got to me. I had to go to the bathroom and cry because thats how upset I was, and my anxiety was acting up. So yeah that is all.

Ash

A new beginning

Sometimes, I never thought my life would ever go the way I planned, or at least hoped it would. I mean how could it when everything just seemed to go from bad to worse to the point where I didn't want to deal with it. I realize that we're the ones who make our own destinies, and if we believe nothing is going to change chances are they probably won't. I think I was learning to deal with that fact. The fact that maybe I was just meant to be unhappy forever. I mean happy endings only happen in fairytales right? Now I'm thinking that maybe all I needed was just someone to pull me out of the ditch that I apparently had fallen into. To make my life mean something again, to make me laugh even if there isn't a reason to, to make me smile when I have bad days because let's face it you can't run from those. I couldn't be anymore happier with the way it's going now though. I'm absolutely twitterpated I think is the word my friend and boss used. I really couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. I think he would pretty much do anything for me, and I would do anything for him.

I've been working on writing this post for a few days maybe even a week or so, and he and I have talked about a lot of different things which for me is rare because I don't let many people in. I'm just glad that I was able to find someone. (or maybe he found me) but either way it happened, I'm glad.

In the next 2 weeks I'll actually be moving out into my new apartment with him, and I'm excited but at the same time a little nervous. I mean I've been staying with him a few nights a week so it's good.

Valentines day is tuesday

I've never been one for Valentines Day, but I guess it's because I've never had a real reason to get excited about it. This year I have a reason though, Ryan. I'm not really expecting much because to be honest I'm just happy to have him I don't need anything else. The few months before we started going out. (We've known each other, or should I say we've worked with each other for almost 2 years.) I was having a hard time just dealing with things in my life, and it seemed that everything was just getting worse.  My anxiety and depression were really bad. I had headaches that wouldn't go away, and my blood pressure was extremely high. (actually it still is, but I'm taking medicine for it even though it's not helping my headaches.) Now I have a reason to be happy and to enjoy my life, and to enjoy Valentines day. :) I'm actually not sure what we're going to do if anything because I'm off all day but he has to work from 6 to 10 so that kind of takes away an evening together. Seeing as how he's a guy and I'm not sure what he would want. (okay I'm sure I know, but yeah.) He's had this thing for subways sugar cookies lately so I told him I would make him sugar cookies. I actually did that tonight, and I think I went a little overboard. I ended up making almost 60 cookies so yeah .

See? I still have one pan too. I have to admit though they are good.

Spending weekends together

I love weekends when I can spend them with the people I care about, and I got to do just that this weekend. I think I'm warming up a little more to Ryan's friends. This weekend was definitely a good weekend. So Saturday we had a semi-birthday party for 2 of Ryan's friends out at anothers house. I wouldn't call it to much of a party more like a group of friends watching a football game, yelling at the the tv, drinking, and smoking, but it's all good. It's nice to be included in something like that. (Except for the smoking part. Although, there was enough smoke in the air that I didn't have to do it.) Then came time to go home, and I didn't really want to because that meant Ryan would go home. I don't know I just felt like being with him so we just ended up going to his house. Then today (Sunday) we spent half the day at his house, and went out to eat at Chili's and then went to the park and spent the rest the time with my brother and my 3 nieces. I had a blast with them, and seeing Ryan with them made it that  much better. My brother kept telling them to call him Uncle Ryan. Ryan even pushed Karlie and Lainey on a swing for a good 10 minutes or so.

I love when my weekends are like this. :)

New Years Love

Happy New Years!
I thought nothing could beat my Christmas weekend, but I was completely wrong. I've never really cared to much about New years just because it's another year that could turn out like crap, but I had an awesome New years eve and New Years. I think the whole having a boyfriend thing kind of helped with that. :) Usually I spend it with my friends (which she's not here) or with my mom, but this year I spent it at Ryan's house with him. We watched some movies and had a few drinks. I truly am blessed with having Ryan in my life. I don't think I could have asked for a better first boyfriend. I've never liked the way I look, but I don't know with him it's different. He makes me happy, makes me feel good about myself, and it's a nice feeling. I keep asking myself why'd he choose me, what's he see in me, and maybe I'll never know. For now though it's alright.

I love this feeling that when I'm not around him I want to be. When I'm with him things feel right. Maybe, it's just a first boyfriend thing. I'm not really sure, but it's a feeling I hope doesn't go away any time soon.

Christmas 2011

Our family gathering at Christmas when I was much younger.
The top right picture I'm the one by my brother.
These are all different years, but the bottom right is from '94.

Some more Christmas gatherings.
The top right I'm the one in the blue shirt.

This Christmas had to be one of the better ones I've had in a long time, and for me to say that it's true. I can't really think of the last Christmas I had that I actually enjoyed. I'm guessing it was one where my family was actually together (mom, dad, my brother and I) in the same house. The house totally decorated, tree, lights, presents under the tree, and we would sit down Christmas Eve open one present  and enjoy the time we had. Then we'd go to sleep, and "Santa" would bring us other gifts, our stockings would be filled, and we'd wake up earlier then normal and just dive in. Those are the Christmas' I remember the most. 

For the past 13 years though it hasn't really matter all that much to me. I mean why should it, a broken family isn't something to celebrate, and each year it just reminded me that my family wouldn't be the same. I know that sounds really shallow, and that's not what Christmas is about. Family was one thing I could count on, and when that got messed up I felt I had nothing. Yes, I was a depressed child.

Okay, maybe I've had a few somewhat decent Christmas' in that time frame, but it wasn't the same. Most Christmas' I've spent with my friends. (I'm not complaining though. If it weren't for Aubrey they really would have sucked.) 

So why was this Christmas different?
Easy! I got to spend it with someone special. :) I honestly just thought okay, I'll just meet his family Sunday and that'll be that. I actually spent the whole weekend with them. It was kind funny he gave me 3 options. I could meet them Saturday, I could meet them Sunday, or I could Come over Saturday and stay the night and have Christmas with them Sunday. Needless to say I was a little hesitant. That's definitely not something I would normally do. It's not in my personality. Remember the quite, shy girl  I told you about that is me. I think in order for me to break out of my bubble I need to do things that aren't in my nature so I ended up staying. We ended up watching movies and talking. That's it. :) That's all I needed. Sunday morning comes and I get up at 830am (Guys realize this I'm not a morning person especially on weekends.) I did sleep an hour later then him. Anyways, we watched his niece and nephew open presents. We enjoyed the day. We watched some movies. We watched his nephew play some video games. They played darts. We ate lunch, and by about 430pm or so we decided to take me home so we could go see my dad and step-mom for a while. Around 530 we went over my dads house and visited with them til about 730. I felt bad because Ryan was nervous. After we left there we went over some of Ryan's friends house, and saw some of them. Then it was time for home. :)

That was my Christmas weekend.

Pictures:

This was my surprise gift from Ryan for Christmas. Is it not beautiful? It's funny because when I opened it he told me why he picked it out. One of the times we went out together I think I had told him how it was hard for me to trust people, and open up because of everything that has gone on in my life from my mom leaving back when I was in MS to the most recent problems I've had. He said he hoped that I would be able to open my heart to him. Aww, how sweet is that? I'm such a sucker for that kind of thing. Then I also got some perfume and stuff from his mom. :)

This would be our first picture together. (His Chihuahua Ginger was with us. lol) His mom took this Saturday night. I hate my pictures taken, but apparently they love taken pictures so I was in a few. This is one that he gave me though. :)