Valentines day is tuesday

I've never been one for Valentines Day, but I guess it's because I've never had a real reason to get excited about it. This year I have a reason though, Ryan. I'm not really expecting much because to be honest I'm just happy to have him I don't need anything else. The few months before we started going out. (We've known each other, or should I say we've worked with each other for almost 2 years.) I was having a hard time just dealing with things in my life, and it seemed that everything was just getting worse.  My anxiety and depression were really bad. I had headaches that wouldn't go away, and my blood pressure was extremely high. (actually it still is, but I'm taking medicine for it even though it's not helping my headaches.) Now I have a reason to be happy and to enjoy my life, and to enjoy Valentines day. :) I'm actually not sure what we're going to do if anything because I'm off all day but he has to work from 6 to 10 so that kind of takes away an evening together. Seeing as how he's a guy and I'm not sure what he would want. (okay I'm sure I know, but yeah.) He's had this thing for subways sugar cookies lately so I told him I would make him sugar cookies. I actually did that tonight, and I think I went a little overboard. I ended up making almost 60 cookies so yeah .

See? I still have one pan too. I have to admit though they are good.

Spending weekends together

I love weekends when I can spend them with the people I care about, and I got to do just that this weekend. I think I'm warming up a little more to Ryan's friends. This weekend was definitely a good weekend. So Saturday we had a semi-birthday party for 2 of Ryan's friends out at anothers house. I wouldn't call it to much of a party more like a group of friends watching a football game, yelling at the the tv, drinking, and smoking, but it's all good. It's nice to be included in something like that. (Except for the smoking part. Although, there was enough smoke in the air that I didn't have to do it.) Then came time to go home, and I didn't really want to because that meant Ryan would go home. I don't know I just felt like being with him so we just ended up going to his house. Then today (Sunday) we spent half the day at his house, and went out to eat at Chili's and then went to the park and spent the rest the time with my brother and my 3 nieces. I had a blast with them, and seeing Ryan with them made it that  much better. My brother kept telling them to call him Uncle Ryan. Ryan even pushed Karlie and Lainey on a swing for a good 10 minutes or so.

I love when my weekends are like this. :)

New Years Love

Happy New Years!
I thought nothing could beat my Christmas weekend, but I was completely wrong. I've never really cared to much about New years just because it's another year that could turn out like crap, but I had an awesome New years eve and New Years. I think the whole having a boyfriend thing kind of helped with that. :) Usually I spend it with my friends (which she's not here) or with my mom, but this year I spent it at Ryan's house with him. We watched some movies and had a few drinks. I truly am blessed with having Ryan in my life. I don't think I could have asked for a better first boyfriend. I've never liked the way I look, but I don't know with him it's different. He makes me happy, makes me feel good about myself, and it's a nice feeling. I keep asking myself why'd he choose me, what's he see in me, and maybe I'll never know. For now though it's alright.

I love this feeling that when I'm not around him I want to be. When I'm with him things feel right. Maybe, it's just a first boyfriend thing. I'm not really sure, but it's a feeling I hope doesn't go away any time soon.

Christmas 2011

Our family gathering at Christmas when I was much younger.
The top right picture I'm the one by my brother.
These are all different years, but the bottom right is from '94.

Some more Christmas gatherings.
The top right I'm the one in the blue shirt.

This Christmas had to be one of the better ones I've had in a long time, and for me to say that it's true. I can't really think of the last Christmas I had that I actually enjoyed. I'm guessing it was one where my family was actually together (mom, dad, my brother and I) in the same house. The house totally decorated, tree, lights, presents under the tree, and we would sit down Christmas Eve open one present  and enjoy the time we had. Then we'd go to sleep, and "Santa" would bring us other gifts, our stockings would be filled, and we'd wake up earlier then normal and just dive in. Those are the Christmas' I remember the most. 

For the past 13 years though it hasn't really matter all that much to me. I mean why should it, a broken family isn't something to celebrate, and each year it just reminded me that my family wouldn't be the same. I know that sounds really shallow, and that's not what Christmas is about. Family was one thing I could count on, and when that got messed up I felt I had nothing. Yes, I was a depressed child.

Okay, maybe I've had a few somewhat decent Christmas' in that time frame, but it wasn't the same. Most Christmas' I've spent with my friends. (I'm not complaining though. If it weren't for Aubrey they really would have sucked.) 

So why was this Christmas different?
Easy! I got to spend it with someone special. :) I honestly just thought okay, I'll just meet his family Sunday and that'll be that. I actually spent the whole weekend with them. It was kind funny he gave me 3 options. I could meet them Saturday, I could meet them Sunday, or I could Come over Saturday and stay the night and have Christmas with them Sunday. Needless to say I was a little hesitant. That's definitely not something I would normally do. It's not in my personality. Remember the quite, shy girl  I told you about that is me. I think in order for me to break out of my bubble I need to do things that aren't in my nature so I ended up staying. We ended up watching movies and talking. That's it. :) That's all I needed. Sunday morning comes and I get up at 830am (Guys realize this I'm not a morning person especially on weekends.) I did sleep an hour later then him. Anyways, we watched his niece and nephew open presents. We enjoyed the day. We watched some movies. We watched his nephew play some video games. They played darts. We ate lunch, and by about 430pm or so we decided to take me home so we could go see my dad and step-mom for a while. Around 530 we went over my dads house and visited with them til about 730. I felt bad because Ryan was nervous. After we left there we went over some of Ryan's friends house, and saw some of them. Then it was time for home. :)

That was my Christmas weekend.

Pictures:

This was my surprise gift from Ryan for Christmas. Is it not beautiful? It's funny because when I opened it he told me why he picked it out. One of the times we went out together I think I had told him how it was hard for me to trust people, and open up because of everything that has gone on in my life from my mom leaving back when I was in MS to the most recent problems I've had. He said he hoped that I would be able to open my heart to him. Aww, how sweet is that? I'm such a sucker for that kind of thing. Then I also got some perfume and stuff from his mom. :)

This would be our first picture together. (His Chihuahua Ginger was with us. lol) His mom took this Saturday night. I hate my pictures taken, but apparently they love taken pictures so I was in a few. This is one that he gave me though. :)

Never in a million years

I know overly-dramatic much? You guys believe when I say that I never... never thought something like this would happen. If you haven't realized by now from my about me or whatever I'm 25 okay. I've never actually had something I would call a date. I think it's the shyness I have, or  that could just be an excuse. I feel kind of like Drew Barrymore in Never been kissed. Actually, I feel a lot like her. In more ways then I can count. I've joked with a few friends of mine how I'm gonna be the one who is 80 something years old with 100 cats, and that's about it. Then I look back over the past few weeks, and maybe, just maybe I'll grow to be someone else. Sure, I'll still be that old lady, but perhaps I'll have the life that most every little girl dreams about you know the one I'm talking about right? The family, the house, the husband. I'm not saying that it will happen now, but just this little bit gives me hope that maybe I'm not doomed to a life I thought I was, that life where I'm alone forever. It's kind of heartbreaking for me to even type something like that, but that is truly how I've felt all my life. That I would be alone forever. That I wouldn't find that one person who makes me feel like I'm worth something, the one person who could complete me. Sorry, I read way to many YA books.

I will say this though for the time being I'm completely happy with the way things are going. It's nice to feel wanted, loved, worth any amount of time.

Life in general

So when life sucks or when it completely, totally rocks I will gladly let you know.

The not so happy me:
When life gives you lemons!
Nowhere to call home.

I'll deal with it sort of happy:
Dress shopping...so not my forte.
Once...twice...two times is enough

Life has those happy days every once in awhile:
A Christmas worth remembering
Good things do happen.
Stepping out of my bubble.
Phone calls, Books, a few things that make me happy

Work rants

I have to say I'm sure everyone has those days at work you just want to storm out and not go back, but alas you have to because you need the money.

Here's the way I deal with that: Rant!

I scream, you scream, I scream louder.